Its stupid, I know, stupid stupid stupid how schoolgirlish I am. So unbecoming of a person of my character? But I am this, you know? Cant you tell that this is exactly how I should be acting? People will say that the immaturity I display in my life is...immature. But raw emotions are real. pure. doesn't that count for something, or am i being totally off base here?
i know that everyone makes fun of me, and its okay, and i act all offended and cant take jokes. but it makes me so self-conscious and helps me to realize that, oh, ok, so wow, thats how im being perceived. and its an embarrasing sort of insight, if that makes any sense. i have this vision of myself as being cool, calm, and collected. wow, so thats not right.
i like that i can snuggle my boyfriend. and be around him, and love him. And it wont ever bother me again that people think it's "middle school". (well it might) I could try to be all nonchalant with him. and it isnt even a thing about not being able to keep my hands off of him (which i admit, is a problem), but I could you know? I don't want to. I suppose that sort of thing is really uncomfortable for people and- its a bit immature and a bit selfish and no one wants to see that sort of deal so can i please stop?- but can i be frank? I have always, for a lack of a better cliche, wore my heart on my sleeve. I am, in my opinion, and others' might agree, the most transparent person on the planet. Always expressing my emotional palette on my face, with my body language, and sometimes even with actual, you know, dialogue. So why stop now? I have no real incentive to do so anyway.
and can I tell you something HELLAGAY? I dont care who knows, i want everyone to know. It's truly, madly, deeply. this romance, is so romantic. and thats what i think we are...(which could be highly deluded and definately egocentric, but leaps and bounds better than middle school. middle school? middleschoool? how altogether cheapened and meager.)
wow, i've done alot of like constructive rambling. constructive because i didn't just talk in beautiful metaphors. but rambling because i'm usually so concise and like word-anorexic. well.
2 comments:
we call it middle school because it seems that it is that kind of unfazed, unjaded love. it's not that you're acting like pre-pubescent teens, it's that you act as though relationships and love are all "birds singing and flowers blooming". it puts people off.
we've all been through our own versions of first love and we're all sobered by those experiences and somewhat hardened towards love and what it brings. once burned, twice shy, as the saying goes.
it's unnerving to see your romance, so unhindered, on the outside, by your previous relationships.
however, i do think you need to exercise some censorship when out in public. and that means when in front of people, even your closest friends. hugging and holding hands is fine, but anything else needs to be done with some discretion. it's just common courtesy.
i love my girlfriend and the world will know it.
and really, we are in no way over the top with our PDA...
also, i dont think this is first love for us; at least not for me. however, genuine love makes you giddy regardless of how many times its happened...
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