Cam McPhee

What if there was this woman whose profession was that of a waxer. Day in and day out she saw vagina, and armpit, and upper lip, and back, and leg. And waxed it. She became sort of sexless you know, and I mean, nothing really turned her on, except really grotesque things. Like, lesions, or herpes, or like gimps. People with one arm. ? dumb.

I'd like to go anywhere with this. Lets see. What if it was more than her not being able to get her jollies? i mean i guess she could do some real depraved and sickly erotic things. ..ugh.

ok, lets say she had some high profile people as clients. and she kept their unwanted hair. and sold it on ebay? NO. put up cameras and filmed it? um. sold secrets about her clients to the paparrazi? ...um.

kept their unwanted hair, and made little voodoo dolls out of them. but why is she such a creep? this angle sucks bangkok.

ok, she had any old regular clients, and really started loathing her job. and she would leave trails of hair in places that they couldn't see as her own personal sort of fuck you. ok that could be like a tick of hers.

hm.

And she has a pet bananna snake. And hardwood floors. And marble counters. And she sleeps on silk sheets. And her hair is glossy all the time, from every angle, not only when the light hits it just so. And she has green eyes like Harry Potter, who she hates simply because of his unfortunate name.

?

I was recently floored by a <3to<3 that Frances and I shared this past weekend (and to really shake up the tamborine, they weren't alcohol-fueled). I hope that we can pragmatically move past the bullshit, but more than that I hope that I can get over the mental problems that I have with her. Get over her need for attention, her poser-ness, her LA-chic-fake. I know she has a lot to offer, and honestly, it's not like she's leaving my life any minute (especially because of Kyle). So, I guess I'll just have to offer the olive branch, and accept hers.

I'm still torn about what I need to do about my mental situation. And it isn't like I haven't tried behavior management techniques, and such, that's what I've been doing in therapy for the past five months. But sometimes the overwhelming desire to act a certain way trumps any sense of rationality that I have, its like I completely let this darkness ooze over me and this gruesome transformation takes place and everything just falls into the toilet. ALKJF! And I want people to know that all the progress I've made, and we've made, its important to me, it means everything!- and I don't want to seem like this fuckup who's always making bullshit excuses. I sound like such a whiny victim or something.

It's just alot harder than I thought it would be, that's all. And it doesn't help that as soon as I thought I going the right way home, I learned that home was in fact, 2o minutes in the opposite direction.

And it doesn't help that winter is coming upon us, and I get SAD. So...I just have to keep on it.

-

i dont know who to talk to about this to. i went in to therapy today and talked about my recurring dreams and my less than stellar moods. she thinks i go into patterns of depression related to hormone activity. and that i should really consider becoming medicated.

i just want to cry, really. everytime i feel like things are getting better, something inside of me always finds a crack and hammers and chips until its wide open. i've been getting really testy with kyle again, and have had to literally bite my lip until it bleeds. and i cannot be in the same room with other certain people because i can actually feel heat rising to my ears. i misconstrue things and push people away and assume that i am being shafted and its fucking pathetic. the world is against me mentality is back with a vengeance, and i really thought that i had it under control.

why i am i so fucking bent out of shape?

Dear Universe,

Are we cosmically connected? What's the blue jay way, anyway? What's with animal mating procedures? Why are you expanding? How do you cure plant diseases? Who was the first person to have aids? Did he pass it on? Was it a girl? Who thought of cross breeding? Could I cross a kiwi and a mango? What would I call it-kiango? Mangiwi?

Is asking stupid questions stupid? My creative non fiction professor seems to be so interested in everything, like the ceiling patterns of dots on the dumb ceiling in class, or the periodic table of elements, and grackles (annoying genus of blackbirds), and roadkill science, and like everything under the sun. And he just wonders and wonders and wonders.

I mean, how do you dispel so much energy on everything like that? Do you fake it? Is that what people who aren't really good at anything in particular do? Be amazed? Is everything really that interesting? Am I bored, or boring- jaded?

I remember a time when I knew people who did cool things and were nonplussed and i thought, gee, I wouldn't shut up about it if that were me. And I didn't. When did I stop talking so much, and when did I stop smelling the roses?

Universe, will you slap me back to a happier time? Like when recess was awesome, and like the squishy-ness of the tethered ball was awesome, and when it was weird how soft my hands got after monkeying on the bars, and even doing homework was sort of fun because I wanted to get everything right and impress my teacher. And like when I used to get check minuses because I was a talkative annoyance.

I guess its happy now too, I just need to remember to like, let life wash over me again. Connect with you, Universe. Sometimes, anytime.

Your old friend,
Gagz

(does anything ever make any sense?)

+

Its stupid, I know, stupid stupid stupid how schoolgirlish I am. So unbecoming of a person of my character? But I am this, you know? Cant you tell that this is exactly how I should be acting? People will say that the immaturity I display in my life is...immature. But raw emotions are real. pure. doesn't that count for something, or am i being totally off base here?

i know that everyone makes fun of me, and its okay, and i act all offended and cant take jokes. but it makes me so self-conscious and helps me to realize that, oh, ok, so wow, thats how im being perceived. and its an embarrasing sort of insight, if that makes any sense. i have this vision of myself as being cool, calm, and collected. wow, so thats not right.

i like that i can snuggle my boyfriend. and be around him, and love him. And it wont ever bother me again that people think it's "middle school". (well it might) I could try to be all nonchalant with him. and it isnt even a thing about not being able to keep my hands off of him (which i admit, is a problem), but I could you know? I don't want to. I suppose that sort of thing is really uncomfortable for people and- its a bit immature and a bit selfish and no one wants to see that sort of deal so can i please stop?- but can i be frank? I have always, for a lack of a better cliche, wore my heart on my sleeve. I am, in my opinion, and others' might agree, the most transparent person on the planet. Always expressing my emotional palette on my face, with my body language, and sometimes even with actual, you know, dialogue. So why stop now? I have no real incentive to do so anyway.

and can I tell you something HELLAGAY? I dont care who knows, i want everyone to know. It's truly, madly, deeply. this romance, is so romantic. and thats what i think we are...(which could be highly deluded and definately egocentric, but leaps and bounds better than middle school. middle school? middleschoool? how altogether cheapened and meager.)

wow, i've done alot of like constructive rambling. constructive because i didn't just talk in beautiful metaphors. but rambling because i'm usually so concise and like word-anorexic. well.

Radiance

Inside of me it feels like a time lapse of cherry blossoms flourishing after their winter chill on planet earth.

Whats with you, these days? How do you do, how is your life so splendidly whimsical? Sometimes I wonder if I am interpreting things the way I would want, are your eyes so wonderfully glazed with a corporal mist? (could it be vacancy?) And this content sort of smile. But what makes it so? Slightly slanted upwards on the right, almost enchanting. (could it be smarmy?)

It's cold, you know? Fall in full swing and all, but the sun's out.

Root= Self

You know you do things sometimes and you dont realize why or how they came about- and then you try to justify it and its sort of hard to? And then you take a good long look and you realize that your probably really childish/ or immature/ or really emotionally charged and talk it out with your therapist or your best friend or your boyfriend and see the light? and then theres an opportunity to save the situation or apologize and do you take it? its the hardest thing in the world admitting that you've acted in a way to undermine a relationship (which is more than merely undermining a person) especially when you know yourself to be so. very. involved. 

I've been talking to Ryan about how much I don't want to be a bitchy person anymore, but everysooften I find myself unable to control that ugly part of myself. and that part of my brain which makes (ir)rationalizations. I thought I was getting better, but I've started this ridiculous cycle with Kent that is completely killer in a bad way. Have I really just transferred everyone of my insecurities onto that relationship? The one that I feel needs it the least, at least this point in time. So I've pinpointed the problem, lets see how this pans out.