maybe you can learn to be happy. maybe you can find a purpose. and maybe it isn't always easy, but you can learn to let go of things that hurt. 

at the end of the day, you only really have yourself, no matter how much other people are there. and yourself is the only one that suffers from the unhappiness that you cause. i think i'm finally done being in love with my sadness and residual pain. 

i'll always be overly emotional, i grew up that way. its hard to unlearn that. but maybe with the right kind of mindfulness, i can accept that people have selfish desires that may hurt but aren't directed towards me. i have so much growing up to do, and i only hope that the blunders i make along the way don't drive anyone away. 

but at the same time, must i always apologize for how i feel? i guess it's a catch 22, and i shouldn't find something else to hold onto. 

forgive and forget.

creative people and mental illness

I came across an interesting section while I was in the library (where i currently am "working" on a paper) that showed the extensive amount of research done on the subject of creative people and mental illnesses/depression/suicide. (Now I know what you are thinking, but don't worry, I don't think that I am apart of this illustrious group of people.) Apparently researchers have looked into how the brains of creative people function differently from the rest of the population, which sometimes renders them unable to cope with things, etc. Perhaps it takes a certain level of insanity to produce creative works of ________. Or perhaps it is because creative people are hypersensitive to the critiques of their work? I should read about it and find out and report back.

Dear Ryan

Please know that you are going to catalyze my life in a very positive way and cement your status as one of the most memorable figures that I have ever known. I hope you live to a ripe old age.

Induced Paranoia

What if there were a group of close knit friends. two of whom had mental illnesses, that were not yet diagnosed, the other was a completely healthy person. then over time, the third friend started going crazy, not because he was predisposed to mental illness, but constant exposure to his crazy friends triggered a chemical imbalance in his brain that rendered him completely insane? what if psychosis can be passed on through chemical functions in the brain to others? how do girls periods' all synchronize to be around the same time? with the scent. perhaps crazies have a scent that slowly degenerates the brain. 

maybe a short story will come of this!

Everything I Cant Say

It all adds up into this unsaid block, this staggering wall if you will, whose silence slowly kills me. The point of metamorphosis has come, and I am those who bear the burden of their grievances upon their own shoulders. My voice has become lost in the loudness of others'. 

But mostly, everything I cant say, is everything that is eating away at my being.